i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
