idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
