Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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