I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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