i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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