His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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