NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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