Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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