I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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