Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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