I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
