this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
