I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
