if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
