this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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