If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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