I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
