I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
The best revenge is premature balding
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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