dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
