I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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