The maid of honor just puked.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
