it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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