24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
