i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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