I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
