the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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