we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
