just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Randomize
