My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
