i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
