you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
