you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
