Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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