YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I think my moral compass just broke
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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