i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
