Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
