Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
