You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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