well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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