god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
