Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
