JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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