Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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