I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I met the friendliest cop last night
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
