It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
