Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
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