Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
