i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
