Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
