People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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