Kiss
Puke
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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